Orion
by LeatitiaVia
Summary: Threre are so many different stories told by so many different people about so many different changes..and i'm James Potter and this is my story
1. The Deepest Cut

I know I should be doing something more productive at the moment, like writing the following chapters for "Lost Hope", "Master Plan of Seduction", or even the last chapter for "Life without you" but hey.. I couldn't help myself so sue me.. heh

I hope you enjoy the re-written version of Orion and give me some feedback thanks and love you all 

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The Deepest Cut

Love that we can not have Is the one that lasts the longest, Hurts the deepest And feels the strongest

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James' P.O.V

I sit here watching the Sun go down and with it any light that could have helped me resolve the problems in my life. Well; only one in specific but it's the one that's been bothering me the most and the longest.. and I should mention that it's been hurting the most

I can feel my eyes stinging with unshed tears as I recall in detail what happened. Every action. Every sound. Every smell. Every word spoken. Tears that remained unshed then and still remain so, threatening to fall at any second of any minute of the day

I laugh

If only my parents would see me now. My father would probably begin his lecture on how men should be strong, emotionally and physical and if that would make us look like arrogant and completely devoid of emotion, so be it. My mother in turn would purse her lips and comment on something of the past that made my father cry like a baby, as she put in her words, like my birth, my sister's death, and when his favorite Quiddich team lost the World Cup

Unfortunately these are just memories of days past and I'll never have a chance to make any new ones. My father won't be able to lecture me on what makes a man and my mother wont be able to mock him

You see.. they're dead

They died last Christmas. Three months ago

The only people that knew were my best friends, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin and Peter Pettigrew and of course the professors 

And let's not forget _her_

I could never forget her. Even if I tried. And believe me I've tried

But it didn't work. Nothing does

But it will. I'll make it work

I have to

To survive

When I told my friends about it a few days ago, they laughed. Well except Remus. He just smiled knowingly and patted me on the back. 

But I can't really blame them for their reaction

I mean I've been after her for years. Three to be precise 

But the funniest part isn't the fact that I've finally given up. It's the fact that I never imagined myself as the one-girl type of guy. The type that would settle for one girl for an eternity. Never. Until I met _her_. Until I fell. And I remained fallen

I really was beginning to imagine her together and me for eternity

Until now

Everything is going to change

I'm not going to be her little pet anymore. I mean I've stuck around her for so long and all she ever did was either ignore me or use me

She fooled me once. It was all her doing. Her fault

But when she fooled me for a second time it was all my fault. True it was her doing but it was my fault. 

I allowed myself to show vulnerability. Maybe not with my actions but in my eyes. She saw it but I should have never let it happened

And on top she knew what I felt for her

Didn't she?

Maybe she didn't. But it hurt anyway

And I bet she knows now

But it's all getting old. All of it. All this chasing, switching roles, mind games. 

I really have had enough

I haven't even introduced myself either

My name is Potter. James Potter

But she always calls me Potter

I may be Head Boy. I may be Captain of the Quiddich Team, top student of the entire school, ringleader of the Marauders, savior of her life in one occasion and I may be in love with her for three years but I'm still Potter

I've tried to change that. Believe me I have tried, but it never worked. Whenever I tried to redeem myself in her eyes, I seemed that I was digging a deeper hole for my grave. She saw me as a bullying, self-centered, arrogant, pompous, attention-seeking asshole 

But I'm not

I'm not but that doesn't mean that I wasn't

Wasn't being the key word. As in I'm not anymore. But why can't she see that?

Not that I care anymore

I don't 

Really

But the thing is; I know I'll always love her. But I have to move on. I cant live in yesterday

Trapped in a world of fantasy. A world that doesn't exist. I _need_ to find a way out

And I've had enough of this bullshit anyway. What she said to me was the last straw

The deepest cut

****

Argh

I cannot believe I'm actually crying. Over a girl no less. This is definitely sad

I thought she was perfect.. you know? I really, honestly thought she was

Man was I wrong

She turned out to be a manipulative bitch

Padfoot always said so but of course I, as the love sick bastard that I a -was, didn't listen

Her beauty and all her good qualities blinded me about. I guess as she was blinded with my bad qualities 

I look up at the sky

There's no moon and so there's no actual light in the night sky besides the stars

Sirius, the Dog Star in the constellation of Canis Major, the brightest star in the dark silky sky right next to my favorite constellation; Orion

The Hunter. 

His story is sorta similar to mine

He was killed by the one he loved. But her brother tricked her into doing so.

That's the only difference between the two stories

She wasn't tricked but she did kill me

And I've been here ever since

At the Quiddich pitch. Not that it's been so long since it happened

It only happened this morning

And I always come here when I need to think

I came here the day I got the letter from the ministry informing me of my parents' death 

They really did love each other

There was a Death Eater attack at my house where the Death Eaters wanted to kill my mum because she was working on finding a counter curse for Avada Kadavra. My dad died trying to save her. To give her time to run but she didn't and she died as well

My love for_ her_ runs just as deeply

I would die protecting _her. _Anytime

I re-read the letter over and aver until it managed to sink in. 

When it did sink in all I wanted to do was run. And I did

I wanted-_needed _to be alone

I ran into the forest and without stopping I turned into my animagus form; a stag.

No one followed me. Not even Sirius, who looked up to my parents as his own. They took him in as their son when he ran away from his house and came to mine, about two years ago

I was grateful

That night things changed

She found me. Right here

And let's just say that things really did change

Quite a lot 

I went from liking her to living her

I must have been so stupid because I was planning to tell her

But there's this fucking law of the universe that completely messes everything that you plan. And thus **_nothing_** goes as planned

Nothing in life is planned. It just can't be

Whatever you plan seems to screw itself up, big time

But it makes you. 

Who you are, I mean

It gives a story for you to tell though

And so, there are so many different stories told by so many different people about so many different changes in so many different aspects of life

And I'm James Potter

And this is my story

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A/N tell me what you think.. its quite easy actually for those who don't know how..just press that little button down there.. bye


	2. Changes Within

Its Friday morning and I'm bored so I'm just sorting out my stories. This was edited into the first chapter, but now if that isn't so obvious, it's changed into two chapters. I hope you enjoy it

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Changes

Love the heart that hurts you, but never hurt the heart that loves you.~Vipin Sharma  


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Lily's P.O.V

This is ridiculous, I swear 

How could I have done that? 

I must be one of the stupidest people in the entire world

No, universe

And I know you would agree with me if I told you the entire story, although it' complicated

Complicated being an understatement, you understand

And you want to know the funniest part of all of this?

It's the fact that I knew it

I knew I shouldn't have done it

How did I know?

I don't know

Why didn't I listen?

I don't know that either. Its like one of those gut feelings that people get, to warn them against doing stupid stuff yet they tend to ignore it completely

Yep, just like that

Only worse. Much worse 

Not only did my gut tell me not to go through with it, but so did my brain, my soul and my heart. And for me that rarely happens

And when this rare occurrence presented itself, did I listen?

No

Should have I?

Hell yea

Why?

Because I single handedly managed to 

a) Hurt someone I love so deeply that there seems to be absolutely no way to fix the goddamn shit I've created

b) Dug a hole for myself, that could reach China anytime soon

c) Become mortal enemies with the Marauders; that is if he actually told them yet, which he probably did

d) Produce a headache the size of country mentioned in point b)

e) Proven that I need psychiatric help due to mental instability and talking to myself

****

WAIT!!!!

Did I just say that I loved him?

I suppose I did

It's believable right?

I mean me, Lily Evans, falling in love with _him_

Right?

Right!

But it's **_him_**! Why the hell should I care?

Fuck! I just said it didn't I?

I bloody well love him

But how can that have ever happened?

I mean I've hated him for the grand total of six years. I hated him and everything he did/represented/said. The way he would shuffle his hair whenever he saw me, the way he would constantly ask me out (although that changed this year, he doesn't ask me out anymore) and don't forget the fact that he didn't even have to study to get 'O's in every subject, for crying out loud!

But of course everything changed this year

He grew up

He no longer plays childish pranks on anyone, no longer gets a handful of detentions a day, no longer acts like a stud in front of any female, and he no longer asks me out

And the unthinkable happened

We became friends

On my part anyway

There was always something holding him back to that kind of commitment

I could see it in his eyes

And that's when things began getting complicated

You see, Sirius told me to go find him that night. That he himself couldn't because he wouldn't be able to hold up in front of him and that he himself couldn't stand to see his best friend, his brother so hurt

And I believed him

So I went

I didn't know what I would find when I discovered him but what I found was completely unexpected

And I changed pretty much everything I thought about him

We connected. We understood each other in ways others couldn't 

Some time after that everything went downhill

So down hill it reached Hell itself

Lets just say that it needed one small nudge in that direction and I gave it unconsciously 

I don't think unconsciously is the right word her as I knew perfectly (although not why) what I was doing

Now I need to find a way to fix this

Because I know I hurt him

Deeply. Because love's cut is the deepest

And the only person that can take away the pain of love is usually the one that caused it

That is if they aren't too late 

Which I hope I'm not

Merlin I hope not

God! Why did things have to change?

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A/N so? Tell e what you think. Do you think I should add other people's P.O.Vs ?


	3. Three Months Prior

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Three months prior: a week before Christmas

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~*~If who I am is what I have and what I have is lost, then who am I?~*~

-Daily Reflections for Highly Effective Teens

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James' P.O.V

It was a Thursday morning as I made my way into the Great Hall that day, I remember because I was looking forward to double Transfiguration. I remember because I didn't go to class. I remember because that's when I got the letter

+_+_+_+ 

I spent the entire morning staring at her

Her red hair; the way it flowed down her back, her eyes; the way they sparkled with life, her mouth; that I so longed to kiss, her cheeks; that I wanted to caress, her movements; that were so defining

I was mesmerized

Until Sirius whacked me over the head 

Well that sure got my attention

I turned around to face him in a daze

"Huh?" I mumbled unintelligently 

"Snap out of it mate" he told me.

When I didn't respond he just rolled his eyes and points out a very obvious factor that I fail to notice. Until now

"You have a latter" he said pointing to it before he returned back to stuffing his face in

Typical

I reached for my letter and I felt a shiver pass through me but I ignored it, and as I finally opened it I let my eyes scan the page

My heart dropped, my blood stopped, my hands clenched and my eyes watered

I re-read carefully, over and over again

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Dear Mr. Potter,

We are very sorry to inform you that there has been a Death Eater attack at your house. Both your parents are dead. They died an honorable death. They lost their lives not in the line of duty but trying to protect one another yet we feel obliged to award them for their nobility with the Medal of Merlin for the first degree. You should be proud and although this may be of no consolation, both your parents were great people and I am terribly sorry for your loss

If you do not feel up to the task Mr. Potter and you would like us to do so, we could arrange the funerals on your request. If not then the Ministry will be in your service for anything you require and you shall also have official authority to leave school for two weeks to organize and attend the funerals

My condolences 

**Rafael Wells**

Minister of Magic

I looked at my friends, and I saw them staring at me questioningly 

I get up, dropping the letter on the table, feeling it weigh more than a tone in my hands, all the while my eyes never leaving Sirius's

I can see that he has a small suspicion of what the letter contains

He extends his hands in order to retrieve the letter and for one second he drags his eyes away from mine

One second

That's all I needed

I ran

"James!" I heard Sirius shout behind me

It was the last thing I heard for a long time that day

I ran towards the Forest and as I reached it, I transformed into a stag

I never stopped

Human emotions weren't felt when you turn into an animal, obviously, but the intensity of the pain that I felt seemed to be larger than I thought, for I still felt a dull ach pierce my heart

I ran faster, deeper into the Forest

I ran away from my life 

Away from everything

I admit it; I was a coward

But I needed a way out

And it had worked

For a while

When I decided it was time to transform back, reality hit my hard, as every single feeling I managed to escape from while I was a stag, came rushing back into my mind and heart

I wanted to break down and cry

I couldn't go back

I couldn't face Sirius and Remus or even Peter

Not like this

So I went to the Quidditch pitch

That's were she found me

Tear-stained, flushed and shaking 

She found me

She walked up next to me and sat on the chair on my left, looking in the stands across the pitch

Just where I was looking at

I didn't really notice her until she spoke 

"I'm sorry" she whispered

I could hear the doubt in her voice

Not the doubt of whether she was speaking of something she didn't know of, but the kind of doubt that you have when you don't know whether or not you should really be there or not

I didn't answer

I couldn't

A/N soooooo? You like? If you really want to know what Lily did you are going to have to stay tuned 'cos it might take a while as I'm taking it from the beginning up until the end (the first chapter) and after so you can see what happens after that. Confusing? I know.. you're going to have to wait and see

But for now you can just review. Mwa!


	4. Damn you Sirius!

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Damn you Sirius!

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In nine cases out of ten, a woman had better show more affection than she feels.

~ Jane Austen

It was a Thursday morning as he made his way into the Great Hall, I remember because I wasn't looking forward to Transfiguration that morning, I remember because I couldn't keep my eyes off him, I remember because that was the last time I saw the spark in his eyes for a long time.

That same spark that I seem to have killed just a few days ago with just a few words. 

Oh, do I remember

+_+_+_+_+

Since he walked into the Great Hall that morning, I couldn't take my eyes off him

I knew something was going to happen. I just knew it. There was something in the atmosphere; it was ominous 

That's when it happened

The moment I turned my gaze away from him, I felt his eyes on me

I tried to ignore the pressure of his stare by focusing on the owls that were making their ways to their owners, swooping in and out

A letter fell graciously into my food and I realized it was from Da and although I wanted to read his news I stuffed it into my bag for later reading and returned my attention back to Ja-Potter

It seemed that he had received a letter as well

But unlike mine it didn't seem like good news

Not at all

He became very pale very fast, and his eyes, that seconds before were alight with life turned hollow and blank 

They darted over the parchment several times as if not fully comprehending its content

He began to shake slightly and he slowly looked up to his friends, Black and Remus, who were watching him closely, concern written all over their faces 

I saw him stand up, as if the weight of the worlds lay on his shoulders, dropping the letter on the table. 

There was a very intense moment that Black and Potter just stared at each other. Neither saying anything, neither doing anything

It was if they were frozen

Then Black extended his hand for the letter, breaking eye contact and Ja-Potter ran 

As he ran by me, I could see tears escaping form his eyes and I tried to ignore the pain in my heart from seeing him like that 

What the hell?!

"James!" Black's voice shook me out of my reverie and my head snapped towards the entrance of the Great Hall

He was gone

My eyes traveled back to his friends

Black was standing up and Remus was holding him from behind trying to make him sit back down. Peter had just put the letter down after reading it

I was probably not the only one to notice that their eyes were glazed over

That's when I began suspecting what happened

And I wanted to go to him

Instead, I shook myself and tried unsuccessfully to push the sickening feeling that was growing inside me

_+_+_+_ 

James, yes James wasn't in Transfiguration

He wasn't in any of our classes that day

All that was said on the subject was that James was excused from all classes for the remainder of the rest of the school week

I, for one, was outraged

Granted I didn't know why he was excused but I was outraged all the same

But I managed to keep everything inside, for I knew, deep down that he'd need more than the rest of the school week to be seen let alone come to class. Thank Merlin that tomorrow was the last day of school

As the day progressed, and I still hadn't seen James anywhere, not even at lunch, which is truly a first, I really began to worry about him, to the extent that I couldn't push it away anymore 

_+_+_+_

At the end of one of my classes that day, Black came up to talk to me

Why you ask?

I'll get to that.

When he came up to me, he looked at me for a second and then started babbling nonstop 

"Hey Evans, how are you? Good? Nice, ok. Enjoy your classes today? As always? Filled your wonderful little red head of yours with amazing facts and knowledge? That's good! I was actually coming to talk to you about something that concerns Prongs"

I stood amazed in front of him, wondering how he could manage to say all that without collapsing due to lack of oxygen to the brain

He stared right back at me expectantly

It took me a few seconds to remember all his questions

"Hmm, fine, yes, no, no, and who the hell is Prongs?" I replied curtly ticking the questions off in my head

"Oh I mean James, also known by you as Potter" he replied without hesitation

"Oh" was the only thing I could say. He eyed me closely, studying me

I took some time to study him as well

He wasn't bad to look at, that's for sure. Eye-candy this one; his crystal blue eyes that were full of mischief were now dull with immense sadness and a small trace of amusement, his lips that were always in a smile or a smirk, just like now, and his….

Just like now?

I focused my eyes, only to see him smirking at me

Smirking. At me.

"Evans I know I'm smashingly gorgeous but aside from the fact that you're Prongsie's girl, this is not the time" he said with a small grin

Before I could retort he held a hand in front of my face to shut up

"So will you?" he asked pleadingly

"Will I what?" I snapped at him impatiently

"Geez, for the brightest witch in Hogwarts you sure are forgetful." He muttered under his breath, thinking that I hadn't heard, "Will you talk to James?" he added louder

"Why should I? Why don't you go? Or Remus or even Pettigrew?" I asked awkwardly, trying to find a way out of doing…that

"Because firstly we cant relate to what he's going through and secondly we-" but before he could continue I cut him of by putting a hand in front of his face, see if he likes it

"Cant relate to what exactly?" I asked intrigued 

"Oh yea, you don't know" he grew solemn, which surprised me, "his parents died. They were murdered" I gasped.

Died? Murdered? Poor James

No one deserves to loose both his parents, especially before Christmas

"Is he ok?" the question just slipped out of my mouth, full of genuine worry

Sirius looked me in the eye, as if to ask me if I'm stupid

"Right," feeling unintelligent, "And why do you want me to go talk to him?" I asked a few seconds later

"Well, Evans, the thing is you know what its like to lose a parent. The rest of the Marauders don't. I feel nothing but loathing towards mine and I do believe the feeling is mutual. Remus is the only one that has loving parent, before, so did James; they are very much in love. Peter, well, he never met his parents, so there was no one to deal with him except his gran. Plus neither of us want t o come face to face with James at the moment; the Potters were like second parents to all of us and I don't think that we would offer much support if we all end up breaking down" he said (with lack of a better word) seriously, his gaze had drifted to the floor but I could tell he was trying to hide his tears

Wow!

That's all I could think of; Wow!

I never in a million years thought that a Marauder would be so sincere, deep and sad

Then I thought about the situation. Of course they would be sad; the Potters had died. They were dead

James!

"Where is he now then?" I asked coolly. Well as cool as you get after hearing something like that

Black looked up at me and I could see that his eyes were glazed over

My heart fell, but I ignored it

"We're not sure actually" he said slowly

"Right" I replied, equally slow

I thought for a moment. Then it hit me!

The Quidditch pitch

I looked back at Black, who now tried in vain to hide an amused smile, gave him a nod and left towards the pitch

When I got there I looked around and spotted someone on the highest stand in the Gryffindor section

I took a minute to observe him before I made my way up

He was looking straight a head, which made the tears that were gliding down his face glint in the moonlight. He had his arms wrapped around his chest, like a small baby.

My heart sank even deeper. He looked so lost, so alone, so un-James-Potter-like

I made my way to him slowly yet it seemed I reached there in record time

Oh, Merlin why did I agree to this?

I looked at him closely and sat down next to him and said the first thing that came to mind

"I'm sorry" and as soon as I said it I knew I meant it

He didn't say anything 

I don't think he could

And all the while, the only thing I could think of was: 'Damn you Sirius!'

So? What do ya think? Shall I continue? Do you want to know what Lily did? Heh I'm evil!!!!! There are only two people that know what really happened heh. All you can do now is review mwa! Love ya!


	5. Finding Comfort In You

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Finding comfort in you

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Most people would rather give than get affection

~*~Aristotle BC 384-322, Greek Philosopher~*~

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James P.O.V

I sat there, staring ahead of me, lost of words, for the first time in a long time, just thinking of what was happening within as well as around me

Within me was a hurricane of emotions

While everything looked so calm and finished on the surface, when it was the exact opposite; distraught and just starting

Can you blame me though?

Both my parents died in one blow, a crazed wizard is after my head and probably wont stop until he accomplishes his goal

But for some reason I couldn't get rid of this bubbly feeling that was growing inside me

But that was probably due to the fact that the girl of my fantasies is right next to me. Just when I needed someone, she came. She was there. With me. For me

Granted nothing good came out of it, but she was still there

And at the time I was gratefully

"Your friends are really worried about you, you know" Lily's voice penetrated my thoughts and I looked sidewise at her and took some time in observing her

She was looking a head, in the direction in which I was staring at moments ago, her long red hair fell below her shoulder and it was moving with the breeze. Her eyes were glistened, but if it was with tears or the wind I don't know, and she had brought her knees to her chest

A large wave of guilt washed through me

I had just found out that day that my parents were dead and I was having a hormonal attack

That just isn't right 

Then I remembered that I didn't answer her statements. I realize that I didn't have to but something inside me objected to me becoming consumed by depression and turn into a loner that has nothing better to do everyday but brood and work by myself

Nope. No thank you

But come to think of it now, it would have probably had a better outcome than what actually happened

I didn't know that at the time though. Bloody Divination

"Yea, well they shouldn't be. I'm a big boy and I can take care of myself. And now I have to prove it." I said solemnly, trying to hide my emotions

"I'm sorry about your parents James" she repeated, this time adding my name at the end

Not my surname. My birth name. 

And it sounded so good coming from her mouth. But it was one of the rare moments in the _Potter/Evans_ history that didn't repeat itself except for a few more important moments after that

"Don't be. It wasn't your fault. Despite the fact that losing them hurts like hell, it was bound to happen sometime, and no one would have been able to stop him" I told her, my head turned in front again

I really don't think that that was the answer she was expecting but it was true. My father was a very powerful wizard. The heir to all the power in our family. My mother was a famous healing mage. Voldemort had offered them alliance but they both refused. 

Lets just say that he wasn't very fond of the idea. And now he's after my due to my heritage. Sounds like fun doesn't it? Trust me it's not. 

"I'm still sorry for your loss, and the pain you're feeling at the moment. I know how hard it is to lose a parent, let alone two" I heard her voice dripping with hurt as she spoke and this time I turned to face her

She had tears that were beginning to escape her eyes and slowly gliding down her cheeks. I really tried very hard not to reach out and wipe away her tears 

Must admit it failed horribly though. So much for self-control

I felt her tense under my touch and I withdrew my hand away from her as if it was on fire. 

Trying to regain any trace of pride and some dignity in front of my fantasy girl-despite the fact that she was there next to me as I was trembling from cold, fear, dehydration and something else I couldn't name, along with the fact that she was the only person besides the Marauders to see me cry- I looked up at the sky

I smiled at a fond memory of mine

"When I was younger, I used to think that the stars were little holes on this really long black cloth" the words just slipped out of my mouth, without even thinking out it

I felt her gaze on me, urging me to go on. I chuckled slightly as my memory developed 

"That the light that was shinning through the little holes were light from a different world. Every night I would stay up as late as I could, on our roof just watching them fade. The only way that my parents could get me inside was to put a illusion spell on the roof of my bedroom, so that it could look like the night sky" I could feel my tears falling again, but this time I didn't wipe them away

What would be the point?

"My dad kept on urging me to become a better flyer so one day I could reach the stars or the moon. He regretted his attempts to turn me into a child Quidditch star, as the following days I wouldn't get off my broom. Not even to eat. My mum swore to kill him" I couldn't help but smile at the memory of my parents' antics, through the tears

"They sound like really good people" Lily said slowly

I sort of jumped at her voice. I almost forgot that she was there. _Almost_

"They were. I just wish they could have met them. They would have loved to meet you" I blurted out silently 

I saw her from the corner of my eyes as she looked at me in surprise

"What? Its true. They would like you" I told her truthfully 

"Thank you. I bet I would have liked them as well. They sound really nice" she told me and I could tell she meant it

Something inside me fluttered at the concept of Lily and my parents getting along and I immediately began feeling guilty again as I realized that I was feeling like this at a moment like this

"They were" was all I could say

There was a very comforting silence that had befallen on us. We sat there together both of us deep in our thoughts until she finally turned to me

"You should really get back to your friends, Potter. They're worried about you" she told me

"You're right" I replied 

I subconsciously reached out for her hand and stood up, bringing her up with me. She looked at me in shock and all I could do was give her a small grin back

I still didn't let go of her hand though

We made our way back to the common room, where Lily dropped my hand and walked in ahead of me, and I was left to stare at her retreating back

The guys were waiting for me in our dormitory with saddened expressions and all they had to do was look at me and I would understand

Their eyes were red and bloodshot, almost as bad as mine and I could tell they were apprehensive on how to act around me 

I just gave them a reassuring smile – or what I thought was one- and nodded mutedly 

"I'm going to bed" I told them as I began to pile off my clothes 

I got on my bad and as I was about to close the curtains that surrounded my bed a thought occurred to me and I looked back at my friends, who looked at me strangely, except Sirius who looked torn between expectant and disappointed

"And Padfoot..?" I began to add as an after thought

"Err.. yea?" came his delayed answer

"Thanks" I finished as I closed the curtains

"No problem Prongs" I heard Sirius mutter loudly before I tried to drift into a dreamless sleep

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A/N thank you to all those who have reviewed! I hope you liked this chapter. I still wont reveal what Lily does. Well not now anyway. Within the next 2-3 chapters I will mention something that will lead up to the horrific thing that Lily will do. Enjoy!!! 


	6. Midnight Comfort

Midnight Comfort 

_L' amour __est aveugle;__l' amitié ferme les yeux_

Love is blind; friendship closes its eyes

                                                            **_Proverbial saying_**

Lily's P.O.V 

I've said it before and I'll say it one more time for the sake of argument, if so wishes to arise; things changed

That night I went to bed and it took me over two hours to fall a sleep. All I could think about was Potter

Yes I was back to Potter. Although I don't recall how long that lasted. But then again I was the only one from the two of us that stayed at the surnames

At least to his face

I don't know why. Well at least I didn't then

Anyway, that night I made a new resolution to become friends with him. You see, despite the fact that I didn't like him much at the time, he had lost his parents and I was the only one from the people he knew that could associate with that kind of loss

Along with the fact that I saw the real him and that is something that he doesn't let many see. I was honored and in a scary way I liked it and I wanted to see _him_ again

Within two weeks we were inseparable. I got to know him better and then I kind of got addicted to him. His smile, his authority, his mischievous streak and even his broodiness

He still really missed is parents and I knew he felt some sort responsible for what had happened to them, but whenever we –the Marauders and I- caught wind of his melancholic state, we would shake him out of it, one way or another

The days rolled by quickly and full of fun. I managed to get myself a boyfriend and James was happy for me although he did ask me to be careful with him. But I ignored him

Man was I stupid

But then again we've already clarified that

His name was Jason Jennings and he was from Hufflepuff. He had ash blonde hair, with gorgeous grayish blue eyes. He wasn't full of muscle nor was he too lanky. He was just perfect.

That was probably the only similarity that Jason had with James. Not the perfect bit, but the 'not much muscle yet not too lanky bit'

 Jason didn't play Quidditch, which was a bit of a disappointment, but he did like to study, which I rather enjoyed

On the third week of our friendship, things began to alter. It was actually the turning point of our relationship, though neither of us knew it

It was a Friday night, if I remember correctly, when I stumbled down the stairs and I caught sight of James sitting by the fire, just staring at it

Although I did have the habit in distracting him whenever he was in this state, I also knew that he needed to grieve for his parents, so I turned around and slowly made my way to the stairs

"You don't have to go Lily" I heard him whisper, and I almost jumped in surprise. But then again maybe I did but I turned around nonetheless

He was still staring at the fire, but I could tell that that he was rubbing his eyes to extinguish unshed tears

I slowly made my way to him. When I was closer, I took a moment to observe him like I did that night on the Quidditch pitch

He didn't look any different than he did then either. He had both his legs on the couch, one resting on it while the other bent in such a way that he could rest his head on his knee. He was wearing only his pajama bottoms and a white t-shirt and I was amazed to see that he wasn't trembling from the cold

He looked at me with a painful smile and I could feel my heart clench at the ache that I could see through his bloodshot eyes

I tried my hardest to stop myself from hugging him but I failed, and I did

I just sat next to him on the couch and took him in my arms. I heard him let out a small sob

Soon I found myself fighting my own tears from appearing though I knew that that was a losing battle as well

From that night on we would meet in the common room as if by an unspoken agreement, and spend most of the night just sitting there, sometimes talking, sometimes enjoying the silence, sometimes we even cried

This brought us even closer. When we cried we would hold on to each other and I couldn't help but enjoy the feeling of him along with the fact that I felt that we were both on the same emotional wave

That was something I didn't have with Jason

Perhaps that's what drove him into doing what he did

And perhaps that led me to do what I had done

Which led to this really messed up situation

**A/N **I'm so sorry for the late update but I hope you enjoy this chapter. I know it's small and I know its kinda resembles a cliffy but this is all I managed to right at the moment. The next chapter will most probably come out faster and longer but we'll see. Please forgive me… Mwa!


	7. Conflicting Emotions

****

Conflicting Emotions

"Love is friendship set to music."

**__**

**E. Joseph Crossmann******

_ James' P.O.V _

About a month or maybe more after we became friends, Lily and I that is, we were inseparable. You could rarely see one without the other

That is of course with the exceptions on the full moons. I might have developed a unique friendship with Lily but I could never let Remus go through that much pain on his own, even if Sirius and Peter where there with him

People that knew how much she hated me just looked at us with perplexed expressions on their faces, and it was hilarious

I was thankful for Lily being there for me. I knew that with her new boyfriend, which so wasn't her type, she didn't have to be with me. Yet there she was; right next to me, helping me through this

Lily, along with the Marauders, tried their hardest to stop me from falling into a depressed state, by acting as normal as possible, with pranks, jokes, hugs (from Lily), adventures in the forest (with the Marauders) and all that

But despite their efforts to help me, I still couldn't help but feel what I was feeling. I had lost both my parents and that was a massive blow for anyone. And the looks that I was receiving from everyone else when they looked at me; full of pity and fake sympathy, didn't help very much

I often went down to the common room late at night, or early in the morning, whichever you prefer, and sat in front of the fire to gather my thoughts, my memories as well as my emotions.

Sometimes I would even shed a few tears. But I never shed so many tears during my nighttime grief as I did when Lily found me that night.

When she came I felt ashamed to be found like that, but then I took one look at her and I just broke down

Funny how that usually happens; to break down in front of the only person that you don't want to

But then again what followed after, for about a month, seemed to follow the same pattern of irony. From bad to worse to even more worse

Since that night, we managed to create a silent pack that we would meet there from then on. And we did. Until she screwed it up

I sometimes wandered what Jason would say if he knew about our 'meetings', but as soon as those thoughts crossed my mind they were gone. If Lily wanted to tell him, she would have already and if he had a problem with it, he would have to talk to me about it

Jennings never did seem the type to confront anyone though. And being in Hufflepuff didn't impress me much

Then again nothing he did impressed me. I never knew why she went out with him. I couldn't stand being with the two of them, although I tried my best to act as normal as possible, yet I think the Marauders knew the truth

Calm me jealous if you want. Cos that is exactly what I was

Although I tried my best not to show it, perhaps not always successful

The biggest turning point in our 'relationship' was not the fact that we spent so much time together, though that did have some impact on it, or the fact that I had told her some of the Marauder secrets but the fact that she had taken it to the next level

Although I didn't know that at the time

About a three weeks after she had found me in the common room that night, I had decided to take Lily for a stroll to the kitchens. With my Invisibility Cloak

And that's where karma stroke again

On our expedition to the kitchens we huddled together under the cloak in order to make sure that we weren't seen by Filch, the new caretaker

Being so close to her was so intoxicating that I had to concentrate really hard on where we were going in case we got lost

Thankfully we didn't

By the time we had arrived though, I was in a very strange mood. Perhaps it was due to the closeness with Lily, but then again maybe its was due to me being strange

But I'm taking a wild guess here and saying that it was a wonderful mixture of both

Anyway; I charmed some music to play while we ate something and then when we had finished I made her dance with me. You see Lily had been working over time with handling more Head duties than I to help me and I just wanted to repay her and the only thing I have to give to people is laughter and fun

At the end of our dance(s) I held her in my arms (and I didn't want to let go I tell you) and transfigured a stargazer lily for her

Maybe that was a mistake though

In order to thank me or perhaps in a moment of psychosis she did the one thing that I had been dreaming about since the day I met her

She kissed me

She just looked up and kissed me

And I mean she really kissed me!

Despite the fact that I had wanted thins to happen for said six years, I didn't know how to react

She had a boyfriend

She was one of my best friends

She had a boyfriend!

I gathered all my remaining power to draw back, but boy was it painful. But I did it. And I ran

I ran out of the kitchen to the common room, without my cloak, forgetting about the caretaker, forgetting about everything but the kiss

I seemed to be doing a lot of that lately don't I? Running I mean. But then again the next time that I was to handle a fear/ problem, I would just blow up in my face. If only I would have known

I do realize that wasn't the best idea though – nor was it the Gryffindor thing to do- but I did it anyway

As I reached the portrait hole and was let in by a disgruntled Fat Lady, my mind had cleared a bit and soon the only thing that went through it was 'Why?'

Why did she kiss me?

Why now?

Why now that she has a boyfriend?

Come to think of it I didn't even know why she was with him

Why?

Merlin do I have a headache now

My eyes subconsciously traveled to the old grandfather clock at the far side of the common room as I made my way to the couch

1:40

Damn! It way to early

I really wished that I could go to sleep right about now, but I knew that with all the stuff occupying my brain, that would be prevented, yet again

Within a few moments, the calmness of the room was having an effect on me as I began to relax and my mind went from overloaded with thought to loaded with only one thought

It went back to Lily and… the happenings of the evening

Morning

Whatever

I couldn't help but think that she felt something for me, but I erased that possibility as soon as it had formed

Lily has never and will never have any romantic feelings towards me

And plus she had a boyfriend!

I really don't want to lose her friendship, after so long of not having it, over such a stupid thing

Ok, so its not such a stupid thing

I was more like, something amazing that shouldn't have happened

But it did

And it was amazing

But should have never happened!

****

Argh!!!

This is so bloody confusing

Where the hell is she? I need to talk to her

With this final debate going on in my head, I heard the portrait hole open and although I knew it was Lily (who else would it be at 2 o'clock in the morning?) I didn't turn around

I heard her footsteps halt as she came in and I could feel her eyes on my, sending shivers up and down my spine

She then began to move silently to the stairs to go to her dormitory and I knew this 'issue' had to be discussed

"Why?" my voice came out before I could stop it. I heard her footsteps stop and I could feel her turn around, as I wanted to withhold looking at her for as long as possible

Though I knew it wasn't possible

She walked slowly towards me and I repeated the question that had been tormenting me as I finally turned around to see her

She looked gorgeous, as always

I shook myself mentally as she began to stutter out he answer

"I- I really don't know" was all she say, trying to look me in the eye, but I was now avoiding contact due to what I was about to say

"Lily, you knew how I felt about you for the past six years. I really don't understand you sometimes. You have a boyfriend, but you kiss me. You should spend more time with him that with me and yet you don't. I don't know where I stand with you sometimes and its bloody frustrating. Why did you kiss me Lily?" ok so that was more than what I wanted to let out

Too late now. Damage done

I risked a glance at her and I saw her staring at her fingers that were fumbling at her lap. I waited

"I honestly don't know. I guess its was all the fun we had down there. The music, the dancing, the flower, the food, I guess I caught up in the moment. Look James, I'm really sorry about what I did" she whispered earnestly

Don't be, my mind was saying

"Why don't we just forget about it, like it never happened?" she asked me after a few silent moments

****

NO!

"I wouldn't want anything more" came my solemn answer although I was lying through my teeth. I did want something more. I wanted her

A smile lit her face and she hugged me. Tightly. And I hugged back, never wanting to let go. I pulled her on my lap and we stayed there for a long time

Around 3 o'clock at night I knew she was asleep. We had talked about various things until I felt her breathing relax and steady

I picked her up and placed her softly on the couch. I kneeled next to her and I watched her sleep for a while. She looked so beautiful that I couldn't take my eyes off her. I stroke her hair a few times, before I leaned in and kissed her slowly on her forehead

I stood up, my eyes fixed on her sleeping form, and converted a blanket for her

"I really don't think I'll be able to forget Lily" I whispered to no one

I leaned down to her once more and kissed her cheek

"Good night Lily, and sweet dreams. I love you" I whispered in her ear

I was startled by my choice of words, but as I mad my way up to my dormitory I knew that I was right. I was in love with her. And I took one kiss to wake me up

I lay in bed thinking about her and I thanked Merlin that the following day was a Sunday.

That was the first night in a long time, where I had slept well

And one of the rare ones to follow

A/NThere you go. I hope this makes up for the shortness of the previous chapter. I don't blame you if you didn't review, I wouldn't either, but thank you to all those who did, it was very sweet of you and I dedicate this chapter to all those that did review it to show you my gratitude. Thank you and I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Just so you know, this chapter is like a look on what is going to happen later on and what Lily does wrong, so stay tuned. Hopefully I'll get to what Lily does within the next three chapters


	8. Complications

**Complications**

"Platonic love is like an inactive volcano"_._   
                                                      --_Andre Pevost _

_Lily's P.O.V_

Ever since the 'incident' in the kitchens with James, he seemed to be a bit more distant with me yet at the same time even more protective of me, if that was even possible, which apparently it was

I was really worried about losing him, which was, and still is, something I really didn't want to happen. That kiss that we shared was a mistake, especially if that was what drove him away, or at least made him more guarded around me

During the time in which we were such good friends, I got to know James to the extent that I almost always knew exactly what he was thinking. But those two weeks after we kissed, he seemed to be so mystifying that I couldn't think of anything else that might have triggered that but the kiss

I really should have seen it as a sign to start using my head

Despite the fact that the kiss we shared was amazing, it was also full of guilt. I blamed myself for everything that happened between us from that night on

And rightfully so as all that followed was mainly my fault

Poor James…

He must have been a bit confused about the kiss. I know that by doing so I might have caused him to guard himself a bit more but I really wish he wouldn't.

Man, did that sounded selfish!

I mean, there I was, asking the higher powers from… high above, to stop a guy that I have hated for six years, yet he had a crush on me, but after we became really good friends and then kissed him, to stop guarding himself after said kiss, in order for me to be able to read him better and stop feeling guilty.

Sad I know

The only good thing that came out from all pf this, if you could call it that, had been that I had plenty of time on my hands to start hanging out with my boyfriend

Which in the long run didn't seem to be very……… good

But needles to say, my mind was still focused on James. What he was doing, where he was, if he thought less of me after I had kissed him, if he still liked me

These were not normal thoughts for a girl with a boyfriend, I know, but at the time I discarded them as being worried about a friend. Which to a certain extent it was true

As I began getting closer to Jason, I started wondering why I was going out with him in the first place. I mean yes he was sweet, and cute, and romantic, and rich(not that that has anything to do with anything) and a good student, and I liked him(to a certain extent), but there was something missing

When we would talk there would be nothing there. We wouldn't connect, or sometimes understand each other.

Despite the fact that we were in different Houses, I really thought that we could make it work. At first

I got to know him and although he was interesting, he wasn't enchanting or intriguing. There was something that I couldn't quite trust about him, but me being me at the time, did not understand that

You see that my stupidity seems to be growing with the days?

During the two weeks that we had spent together, which was by far the longest time we had spent together, he started to become distant and secretive around me. That of course would trigger some sort of unreasonable idea in anyone else's mind, if indeed that someone else were anyone but me

You see he gave clear signs of what he was doing and I wouldn't be surprised to find out that everyone knew about what he was doing, but you see, I never seemed to pay attention to anything outside the general direction my imaginational mind would go to

That general direction was most commonly known as James Potter

Over the few months that we've been friends he hasn't once proven to me that he can be predictable. He seems to live for the day and the moment, yet if he felt like it all that could change in an instant

As I came to realize, James had many different sides to his personality that always kept me interested. The only thing that seemed to be stable about him, was his priorities

His friends always seemed to come first, fun and life second and last school. Even with this order, he appeared to have them all in a complete balance.

I know him more than I have done in my life, but certain things still remain a mystery to me. Like why he prefers sugar quills to chocolate frogs, or why he prefers to do his homework in the dead of the night, or where the hell he goes on the full moons, how he can kiss so amazingly and be so tender to someone that has hated him for over six years

Whatever I think about, whenever I think about it, always has to return to him. Its either him or the kiss we shared though, so I think I'll take him

Not that I didn't like the kiss!

Oh, Merlin I did

It's just…weird. There is no other word for it for me

I would feel like a right idiot if I manage to destroy our friendship over a kiss. That would be something I really don't want to happen. So the only thing left to do, in my mind, would be to talk to him

So I waited for him in the Head Chambers

The Head Chambers is basically a really posh way to say, Head rooms. They were amazing! Despite this, James and I both preferred to stay with our friends in the Gryffindor Tower, except for weekends, like it was now

My room was, and still is, colored in my favorite color; lilac-pink. Not many people know about this color but I really think that its beautiful. Of course, with Dumbledore's permission, I modified the room to fit to my moods

I painted small fairies and deities, making them move around with a nifty spell I learned back in 6th year.

I sat in my room for over three hours waiting to hear James come in, and finally, he came in at around twelve, looking thoroughly exhausted. I was tempted to let him go and sleep, but I really needed to talk to him and clarify things out

When I walked into the common room, I knew, that I had to talk to him, because it dawned on me right there that I missed his company. I had missed him

I slowly walked towards his location, on the sofa near the fire and called out his surname.

Low, I know

"Hey Lily. What you doing up so early?" he asked slowly as he turned around to see me

"Erm actually I needed to talk to you about something" I replied honestly. At my words he seemed to stiffen slightly and I wondered why, but proceeded anyway

"Why are you so distant these days?" ok so I didn't proceed as much as blurt out. He stared at me, his eyes piercing me as he gave me a small smile and relaxed

"I'm not being distant, Lily, I've just got a lot on my mind at the moment" he told me softly. So softly in fact that it sent chills up and down my spine. I walked towards him and sat next to him, watching him closely

"So this has nothing to do with the kiss, two weeks ago?" I asked him curiously. I can't explain what I felt at hearing that. Something flickered across his eyes for a second, but then it was gone

That's another thing that James does well. Hide his feelings, except if they're too much to hold inside. Anyone would think that he's the most extroverted person they would ever meet, but in fact he's not. He can hide his feelings and thoughts form anyone

Anyone of course that doesn't go by the name Sirius Black

"No, it doesn't. We made a pact to leave it behind us and that's what I've done. I'm sorry I've been a bit withdrawn lately, its just I was thinking about my parents. It was supposed to be their anniversary five days ago" he told me in a trembling whisper

I shifted uncomfortably next to him, knowing that he wanted this subject to stay closed and untouched. I looked at him and noticed that he was staring at the fire. I rested my head on his shoulder and I began to notice something different about him

I don't know what, well I didn't then, but something in the air surrounding him. He seemed to be more at ease with his mind, as if he had finally found amends with something that was troubling him

"Lily?" his voice was low and sweet, caressing my ear

"Mhmm?" I mumbled. It had just occurred to me how tired I was. I heard him hesitate and then sigh loudly, as if defeated

"You should really go to bed" he whispered to me

I raised my head and looked at him smiling sleepily. He smiled back and I nodded slowly. I got up and pecked him on the cheek whispering goodnight and I made my way up to my room

"Night, Lily" I heard him say before I closed my door and went to bed

**A/N **well here you go, another chapter, another step closer in finding out what happened. I hope you enjoyed it. I seem to find it a bit hard in writing Lily's point of view, that's why her chapters are small, but I have a preposition for you guys. How about I write someone else's point of view for you to see everything from an outsider's view. Tell me what you think in a review ;p Love ya!


	9. Resolutions of Some Kind

**__**

Resolutions of some kind

If you love someone you say it,...  
you say it right then,  
out loud,...  
or the moment just...  
passes you by

Unknown

00oo00oo00

__

James P.O.V

Ok, so I didn't do it. And I might never exactly do it, but hey its not my fault! You try telling the girl that you're in love with how you feel, while she's already going out with the King of assholes!

Yea, I didn't think so!

I never thought the day would come where I would back down on anything I ever set out to do. Well at that time anyway. Now I know much better.

I should have never tried to tell Lily Evans how I felt. Maybe then she never would have taken advantage of what I felt. Yet I was a lovesick fool, I couldn't understand the difference

But now I do

When she laid her head on my shoulder I swear I stopped breathing and I was going to tell her but then something stopped me and I am more than sorry to say that it was Padfoot's voice in my head

It was something we were talking about earlier that day. Then again it was more like a one sided conversation between me and him, with the talker being.. well him

We sat in the kitchen as we got something to eat because we missed dinner due to unfortunate circumstances involving Mrs. Norris and a bucket of freezing water and running away in order not to get caught, again, not my fault. Not to get into too much detail, but never dunk freezing water on a cat if you ever want to get away from their owner.

Ever!

I should have known he was up to something, when he told me he had an idea. But how was I supposed to know that he would have planned to drag me along so we could do this crazy prank, then run to the kitchens, where we would have a very in depth Lily-discussion, as he called it?

How is anyone supposed to know what goes on in that head of his

Anyway, as we entered the large kitchen and sat down on the table, I immediately began eating. It took me some time to realize that Sirius wasn't eating which made me worry. Since when does he not eat? And since when was he giving me, or anyone else for that matter, a knowing penetrating stare?

I know!

That's why I stopped eating as well. And that when he told me that he had planned everything. Outraged I asked why. He completely ignored the question and just said what was on his mind

"She'll never like you like that James. She'll never love you" he told me solemnly.

I have to tell you, that although I've been his best friend for as long as I can remember, I had never been so freaked out by him nor so pissed of with him

First off, how the hell did he know that I loved Lily? I knew that I wasn't that obvious, was I? There would be no way he knew.

And second, what right did he have in butting in my life? What right did he have to just drag me somewhere secluded and tell me this? What right did he have to tear _my_ dream into little pieces? What bloody right did he have to be completely and utterly right?

He went on and on while I got more and more pissed off as the time passed

When I had had enough I got up and left, not waiting for him to finish

And where else did I go but to the Quiddich field. It was very dark and I managed to sneak by Filch easier than I usually do and went up to my stand

I thought about anything but what Padfoot had said, but truth was I knew deep down inside that he was right. Right there and then I made the decision to go and ask her the next time I saw her

By the time I went to our Tower it was bout twelve and although I was used to staying up late, my head hurt from the exhaustion

Unfortunately for me, she was there waiting for me. And unfortunately I couldn't tell her

Yup, go on say it. You know you want to. Go on call me a coward

You should, because that's what I felt like. How could I not after I so graciously passed by the chance to tell the girl of y dreams that she was just that

When she went to bed and I stayed downstairs watching the fire, feeling like I was one of the logs being burned to the core, until in the end there would be nothing left of me.

Then the strangest thing happened. There was a nock at the door, well portrait hole, whatever

You might be surprised to know that despite living in this tower for more than half a year he never visited me once. Yet here he was, standing apprehensively right in front of me and I fought long and hard not to laugh at the look on his face

"What do you want, Sirius" I asked him seriously, still a bit ticked off at his comments earlier. He looked lost and I inwardly smiled

"I just want to apologize. I was way out of order James" he muttered looking straight in my eyes. This is why I love this guy, if there were anything he would ever say to you he would say it to your face, looking you dead in the eye. I let a smirk appear on my face

"Moony made you do this didn't he?" I asked him knowingly, leaning on the doorframe. He grin sheepishly

"Yea, kinda" he admitted

"Come in" I told him as I turned to leave

"Am I allowed?" he asked. Since when did he ever care? He was acting really weird again

I just gave him a pointed look and he smirked as he entered

"Nice. Love what you've done with the place" he started mumbling. I sat down on the couch once again and stared at him. He shrugged and sat down next to me

And we sat in silence. Now it has to be said, that there hasn't been one time, in the entire time I know Sirius Black, that has ever been spent in silence

"So what did you want, Padfoot?" I asked him going straight to the point

"I really did want to apologize, Prongs. I realize that I was out of line. I shouldn't have told you that, although I really do think you're wasting your time with her. But I do realize that you really like her and that there's nothing I can do about it" he finished sincerely

I have to say that I was touched. Really I was. I really don't know what I've done to deserve this idiot but 'm glad I have him near me. I sighed and rubbed my eyes in exhaustion

"But you're right Padfoot" I told him as I leaned further into the couch. He looked at me with a raised eyebrow

"I am?" he asked unsure

"Yea. There is no way she would ever be remotely attracted to me as more than a friend. She is and always will be a friend whether I want anything more or not. I just need to get it into my head that we will never be together" I knew I sounded defeated and I felt it too

"What the hell are you talking about?" Sirius asked me slightly outraged. I stared at him for a moment

"You cannot be serious James! You've liked for the past seven years and you love her for I don't know how long and now you are honestly telling me that you're just giving up on her?" he raised his voice

"I don't love her" I mumbled at a loss of words. He raised another eyebrow at me. "And besides what is your problem? You were the one that told me that I don't stand a chance! You are the one that told me that I should get over her!" I said in a loud whisper

"Since when do you ever listen to anything I say?" he snapped back

"I listen to you more than you know, Sirius" I told him in a softer voice. I head him sigh.

He's sighing? Since when does he sigh? What the hell does he have to sigh about? I was the one that was making one of the biggest mistakes of my entire bloody life!

"James, you can't possibly give up on this. Whatever 'this' might be. You've always been the one that never gave up no matter the odds. You've always given your everything and I cannot believe my ears now, that you say that you're actually contemplating giving up on your flower" he went on and he would have gone further if I hadn't stopped him

"I tell you what I'll do ok?" I asked him. He nodded. "I'll try telling her exactly how I feel and see where it goes from there" I told him

"As long as you don't give up" he answered earnestly

"Whatever" I muttered. I knew I would never tell her how I felt.

I thought I didn't anyway

As I showed him out later on I couldn't restrain myself from asking him

"Did you really mean what you said?" I blurted out making him stop

"About what?" he asked innocently

"About me being the one that never gave up on anything?" I replied embarrassed. He smiled

"Of course. You've always been the strongest out of all of us. We've never seen you break down under pressure about anything. We admire you James, and we're proud of you" he answered honestly looking into my eyes

I smiled and I told him good night

As I lay in bed that night I had come up with a new resolution to tell Lily how I felt, the very next day. Too bad that's when everything went down hill though

As I sit out here now though, and look up to the stars I cant help but blame Sirius and his part in all of this.

I shake my head in disbelief knowing that no one is to be blamed but Lily Evans and myself

****

A/n Well, there you go. I hope you all enjoy it and thank you for your reviews. Sorry this is late as well but I hope you enjoy this chapter. About two more chapters and then you'll see what Lily did.. Enjoy!!


	10. Rational Thinking

****

Rational thinking

Well, love is insanity. The ancient Greeks knew that. It is the taking over of rational and lucid mind by delusion and self-destruction. You lose yourself, you have no power over yourself, you can't even think straight

****

Marilyn French 1929- : The Women's Room (1977)

Lily's P.O.V

The moment I woke up the following day, I knew something was different. That something of great magnitude was going to happen

Something bad

Too bad I didn't know what at the time that whatever would happen that day, would be my entire fault

Then I would have stayed in bed

Yet unfortunately, I had ignored my instinct and got ready to face another school day instead

As I did so, I thought back to the previous night and wondered, for the thousandth time, what James tried to tell me. I know now but I couldn't help but think about it. I knew that there was something that he was hiding from me, something that he'd been wanting to tell me but couldn't

To tell you the truth, I was worried about what he wanted to say

Ever since the kiss we had a shared a month previously, he had been avoiding me slightly and he looked at me strangely, differently

Then again he's still looking at me strangely, but now I know the exact reason for this and its not as pleasant as before. In fact its not pleasant at all

He hates me

He absolutely, utterly hates my very existence

I know that he used to love me and I know that that's what he tried to tell me that night, but after what I did to him, he hates me. He told me and to be honest, I would hate me too

Justifiably

That day was the changing point of my life. My teenage life anyway

My choices were right there, in front of me. I knew what I had to do, what I should have done. I knew what I didn't have to do, what I shouldn't have done, but I've never been one to think before I make a decision.

That say, actually, would have been a good day to start

To think before I made a decision that is

Yet no such luck.

Instead I made the decision that turned both our lives upside down and drove us to Hell

Although I didn't know all this as I made my way down to breakfast

When I arrived at the Great Hall, I didn't see James so I reluctantly sat near Sirius, who greeted me rather pleasantly, which surprised me

"So do you know where James is?" he asked me as he munched on his toast. I was stunned at that moment that I just stared at him. Although James and I had been friends for about three months, this is the longest and civilized discussion I've had with Sirius Black

"No, why?" I asked him suspicious. This was also a first; Sirius not knowing where James is

"Just asking" he told me, but I knew he was lying but I letting go anyway

"Right" was all I said. Well I couldn't very well accuse him of lying to me could I? It was his choice, and besides I didn't know him very well anyway

We sat in silence, for what felt like an hour but really was just ten minutes, before Sirius' expression changed to apprehensive and silent, to confident and joyful

"Hey James!" he exclaimed, and for some reason I tensed

"Hey, Sirius" I heard him mutter. He seemed to have stopped but I didn't turn around to check. Sirius glanced between James and me

"Look James, its Lily!" he told him a bit over-excitedly. I swear I would have killed him, but instead I turned around and I was in fact surprise for some reason to see him smiling

"Hi, Lily" he muttered in my direction as he took a seat beside me

I turned to my front, muttering a greeting under my breath and went back to my food. From the corner of my eye I could swear I could see Sirius and James shaking their heads in my direction for some reason. James then began shaking his head vigorously and eventually sighed

"Err.. Lily we have patrolling tonight" he told me and I looked at him. He looked kind of scared, as if I'd refuse to go that night, actually he looked like he'd rather not go at all

"Ok, see you then" I answered and walked away.

Something was driving me crazy. I hadn't talked and acted the way I did to James that day for so long that it was like a foreign language to me. It felt so strange and for the life I couldn't understand why on earth I ever did it

Still pondering on the way I acted, I bumped into Jason, and I felt so frustrated with myself in thinking of James, while I had a boyfriend and neglecting him

Or maybe I was subconsciously saddened by the fact that I _had_ a boyfriend at all

Probably both

"Hi, Jason" I greeted him kissing him on his lips. He pulled away and smiled nervously, heaving his weight from foot to foot

I should have known by that! Then again he's been doing that for some time before that so I didn't find it odd, but I should have

"Hey, Lil" he answered back, glancing behind me a few times and I managed to restrain myself from glaring and/or turning back instead I asked him

"Is anything wrong?" the question seemed to hang in the air as it appeared he was trying to answer the simple question

"Lily can we talk?" he asked me evenly. I contemplated in telling him no, but I was saved by the bell

"Later?" I asked him to make sure. He looked at me with pleading eyes but he gave up as he sighed and nodded passing me and walking off in the other direction. I stared at the air in front of me, thinking that that day couldn't possibly get any stranger

"Come on Evans, we have to go to class" Sirius told me as he passed me

Then again, I remember thinking that it probably could

I made my way to class contemplating the things that would make the day strange, and I came up with very strange things, from evil mice coming from out of space trying to take over the world to James declaring his undying love for me

Wouldn't that be hilarious

Note that the above sentence was dipped in sarcasm. And poison. Yup that's it, sarcasm and poison

During every one of my classes, all I could really do was stare out the window. It was a beautiful day, with the rain falling hard against the windows and the wind howling outside

That was all it took for me to smile for the first time that day. Probably the only time I smiled for a long time after that as a matter of fact

I love the rain. I love everything that comes with it actually; the wetness, the cold, the darkness, the solitude that it seems to provide for those who need it

And it's been my only companion for the past week. Ever since…

"Lily?" I heard James' voice speak to me and my eyes snapped up to drown in his. I swallowed and asked him what he wanted

"Well the bell rang about five minutes ago and you're the only one in class" he told me, and a quick glance around told me that he was right

"Oh, God! Thanks James" I stuttered embarrassed as I hurriedly collected all my stuff

"No problem Lil" he answered looking at the door, as if wanting to leave

Now here is my problem people, I can't read other people's actions. If I did then I might have been able to stop what happened later on that night

But alas! It seems that all the great gifts come right after you need them

And at that moment something clicked in my brain

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Lil

Jason!

"James, I'm sorry but I really have to go, ok?" I thew over my head as I rushed out the door, missing James' totally disheartened look

"Yea. Just don't forget patrolling" I heard him yell at my back

Although Charms was our last lesson, and dinner was just about 2-3 hours away, I didn't seem to have enough time to find Jason before my patrolling. Right before dinner I gave up, thinking, stupidly, that it was probably not important and that it might as well wait until tomorrow

During dinner I sat alone as I wasn't able to find James or any of his friends but just as dinner finished he appeared next to me with a torn expression on his face

He looked as if he was torn between running away and sitting down next to me

He chose neither

"Are you ready?" he asked me instead

I looked down at my plate and decidedly pushed it away from me. I nodded once as I stood up, and glancing around once more for Jason, I followed James out the Great Hall doors

For most of the 'journey' we were silent. Nothing, not even a single word, passed between us

That is if you don't count James' feeble attempts to tell me something

He always began something, but he never finished it and frankly it was really getting aggravating

I knew he wanted to tell me something important but he never got around to saying it. Well at least not then and maybe if he had we wouldn't be in this situation.

Or even so, if I had spoken to Jason before none of this would have happened

But whatever, might haves, or should haves, it doesn't change anything. What happened, happened, and it changed the way I think and feel. And not necessarily for the good

As we reached the seventh floor, we heard something in one of the classrooms, so with one look we made our way silently but carefully towards the room

Standing on either side of the door we nodded once more and opened the door in such a way that it would surprise the occupants. Yet as we opened the door, the occupants didn't seem that surprised. In fact they didn't even move away from each other or made any sign of acknowledgement what so ever

That's when I recognized the hair, his shoulders and the body

It was Jason

My boyfriend

Snogging some girl that I didn't even know!

Without saying a word I turned around and left, hearing my name being called, but not from my boyfriend. From James

I made myself to the Heads' common room, were I sat down on the couch and curling into a ball, I cried

About half an hour later, James barged in, looking frantic and holding a worn piece of paper. As soon as he spotted me, he ran to my side

"Lily? Are you ok?" I could sense the worry in his voice and it made me cry even more. I looked at him in the eyes

"Why? Why would he do that to me?" I asked him, desperate for answers. He stroke my cheek as I began to sit up

"Because, he's a bastard. And he never really loved you Lily. That's not a good combination," he tried to make me smile. It didn't work.

I stood up and walked away from him, towards a window. The rain was still falling and I felt a soothing sensation wash over me. I took in a deep breath and I turned around to face him

"But then, that means that I'm alone. There never will be a chance for me in the future will there? I'll never find someone to love me enough not to cheat on me. They're all bastards. All of them!" I realize I was become more than hysterical, but there was nothing I could do

James made a move to come closer but stopped mid way, apparently changing his mind. He shook his head and looked into my eyes

Into my soul

"That's not true. I love you Lily" he told me in a loud whisper

That's when my heartbeat increased tenfold and I couldn't believe what he was saying

"Do you James? God, please say you do. I need someone to love me right now. I need you to love me. You've been the only man I've ever become friends with and I want to love you so much James" I was sobbing

I moved towards him and I hugged him tightly

"Please say you love me James" I cried softly in his ear

"I love you Lily" he repeated. I knew he meant it, and I knew I was doing it worse, but I couldn't help I needed comfort. I needed affection. I needed to love and be loved

"I need you James" I whispered back. I looked at him and with all reason gone from my head, I kissed him

Hard

But he pulled back

"Lily, I can't do this. You can't do this. It's wrong" he stuttered, trying to walk away from me

"James, please. I need you to love me. Please," I began pressing my body against his. I was desperate for his touch. I kissed him again. And again. And again

God I loved kissing him

I still do, although it will probably never happen again

"Lily.." he moaned into my mouth trying to escape. I held on to him until he gave up fighting

That was my largest mistake

I didn't let go of him

He wanted to wait until I got over Jason's actions. But I didn't want to wait

I craved for him

And I got him, but at what price?

I lost him the next day, again to my stupidity

Right after I gave myself to him

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A/n So? There you have it! that's what happened and how.. next chapter their reactions and James' view on the night. I realize that the previous chapter was absolute crap, but I hope this one makes up for it. thanks for those who reviewed. Which was only one person, who I dedicate this chapter to xXx


	11. Vindicated

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Vindicated

I gave you my love in vain. My body never knew such pleasure, my heart never knew such pain

Anonymous

00oo00oo00

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James' P.O.V

She slept with me, yes

And do you know what I did to stop her?

Nothing

Exactly!

Maybe now that I think about it, it wasn't her fault the second time she used me. I mean, I let my guard down. I allowed myself to be caught in the moment that I expected…

I don't know what I expected

Maybe she would have given us a chance

Maybe she would have given me a chance

Or maybe even ignore me till the end of time

But whatever I might have been expecting, it wasn't that

When I woke up that Saturday, it was still dark when I glanced outside the window before I looked at the sleeping form right next to me

I could have sworn that she was an angel

That's probably why I didn't notice her horns. I was blinded by her so-called innocence

I fell a sleep with my head resting against hers

When I woke up again, this time it was morning, she wasn't there. And neither were her clothes

Panicking, for I didn't know what reason, I sat up with a jolt and called out her name again and again

No answer

Not a sound

That is of course if you exclude my heart hammering against my rib cage repeatedly

I got dressed, trying to figure out what happened, the night before as well as at that moment, along with where the hell Lily was and why she had left

Truly stupid if I do say so myself. I should have known then

Needing air from all the thought and the continuous closing of the walls around me. I made myself to my sanctuary; the Quidditch pitch

On the way there I couldn't stop reoccurring images appear in my mind's eye

Her touch, her hair, her eyes sparkling with desire, her breath against me, her hands over me

Everything that haunts me even now, causing me to curse at my stupidity

I actually needed to lean against the entrance door to catch my breath. I never knew anything could ever feel that way

Come to think of it I wish I had never found out. But the chief moral of my sad story is that, nothing and I repeat, nothing, goes as planned

As I stepped outside the castle, I saw Lily sitting alone by the lake and without a second thought I began making my way to her, wanting to hold her in my arms again

Man, was I in for a surprise!

"Hey Lily" I said as I sat down next to her on the ground

"Hey" she muttered back, not glancing up to me. My doubts and fears re-emerged

"What's wrong?" I asked her, my guard was beginning to build up. She looked at me finally, but she looked a bit uncomfortable

"Well, I was actually thinking about last night" she admitted, looking at the ground

I sighed in relief

Stupid!

Within a grand total of 10 seconds, my life would come crashing down

Ok, that might be an understatement

It was 20 seconds

"Really?" I asked. She nodded

Silence

"Me too" I admitted a bit awkwardly

Her head snapped up at me as she regarded me closely

"You were?" she asked finally. I nodded, getting slightly embarrassed

10 seconds

She regarded me closely again

5 seconds

"So you.. agree" she paused, still not sure of how to go on

2 seconds

"That it was a mistake?" she finished

CRASH

I stared at her for some time, not realizing what she had said, but as it finally hit me and I grasped what she had told me I looked at the ground, coughing slightly from my surprise

Suddenly a hole was located somewhere inside of me, where my heart use to be a few seconds ago

I sighed and swallowed

"Err.. yea.. that" I tried desperately to sound nonchalant, but my voice sounded fake and broken even to me

"Are you sure? Because I don't know what happened last night and I was scared to see your reaction this morning. I really didn't mean for any of it to happen, and I don't want to lose you. After the kiss we shared before I almost lost you and I don't want to-" she went on but I stopped her

I couldn't bare her go on. Every word she uttered sounded cruel and cold in my head as it echoed over and over again

"That was a month ago. I'm over that" I lied through me teeth, wanting to leave. I found that something was stopping me

She had flung her arms around me

"Oh James! Thank you so much" she whispered against my chest

I swallowed harshly and my heart was beating unnaturally fast against my rib cage

I needed to get away

I pried her arms from around me and stood up, looking down at her, torn between betrayal, pain and anger

"I have- I have to go" I stammered

Shit!

I shouldn't have said anything. She would have known that something was wrong

She looked me over as if suspicious of something. She eventually nodded and I began leaving in a slow pace. As soon as I knew I was out of her eyesight, I started running

I didn't know how fast I was going, but that wasn't my primary concern. I just knew where I wanted to go. That was the only thing in my mind

I wanted to go as far away as it was humanly possible and to be alone for as long as humanly possible

I take it back

Evaluating it over and over again in my mind I cant help but know who's fault it was and although I keep trying to convince myself its not her I know the truth

She used me

It _was_ her fault

And I really cannot believe I fell for it

She found me, when I was at my weakest, and she knew it. But I can't believe she would have done this to me. There are things that have crossed my mind when it came to her but I would never hurt her in this way

The funny thing about this though, is that I didn't cry

I didn't cry until I came here, to the Quidditch pitch tonight, almost a week later. Yet I haven't wanted, _needed_ to cry as much as I am tonight

A whole week of feeling dead and empty inside

I hated everything and everyone

I didn't want to see anything or anyone

As far as anyone was concerned I just went to my classes, ate my food and slept

As far as I was concerned I was never mentally in any of my classes, hardly ate any of my food and rarely slept. You see, I saw _her_ in my mind every time I closed my eyes. So I avoided closing my eyes for long periods of time

Meaning I avoided sleeping

Finally by Friday that week, this morning, I had had enough of my sour life. I was now so secluded from others and avoiding everyone I knew, even the marauders, that I decided to go down to breakfast determined to put it behind me

Well, as much as possible because it would evidently blow up in my face

Again

"Prongs!" Peter greeted me. I refused to roll my eyes, grunt and/or hit him

My foul mood had apparently decided on joining me

"Long time, no see, James" Remus muttered over his book, not even looking up at me. Thankfully

I sat down and grunted, breaking my resolution

"We're fine thank you for asking, and how are you?" Sirius joined into the conversation, which was really beginning to agitate me to no end

I grunted again

"Speaking of which, where the hell have you been for the past week?" he went on a frown appearing on his forehead

"Rather not talk about it" I surprised them with my ability to speak. Even Remus peeked over from his book, with an eyebrow raised

Or it might have been my tone of voice

I grunted and went back to eating my food

At least play with it

The rest of the day they seemed to have decided to keep their questions to themselves until a suitable time was found. Highly unlikely of course

History of Magic

That's where everything happened

As soon as I stepped in that classroom I knew something was going to happen. I saw her. She was staring at me. I stared right back

Well more like glared at her

I saw her gasp and I turned around as I felt my blood boil within my veins

I sat down and she moved from her seat situating herself closer to me. I sighed loudly and ignored her, staring up in front. I knew I was getting strange looks but I didn't care

I cant believe she could be so .. normal, and unaffected by what happened between us. How she could even pretend that something didn't happen between us

By the middle of the first period things were yet again getting on my nerves as Lily tried to talk to me repeatedly.

"James, talk to me, please" I heard Lily beg again, but I continued to ignore her

Instead I stared at the blackboard, where Professor Binns was located and was drowning on and on and on about Merlin knows what

Actually scratch that. I don't think even Merlin would know that

"Prongs" I heard Sirius call me

I turned my head around to face him so he knew he had my attention

He seemed to be gulping at the sight of my facial expression

Perhaps the anger that I was feeling, along with other feeling that I created a tendency to bottle up; betrayal, loss, tiredness and a speck of undying love, were reflected through my eyes

He looked at me uncertainly

His eyes darted to Remus, Peter and Li- her, as mine stayed on his

"What, Sirius" I almost growled. It seemed to have the same effect. I know I shouldn't have used that tone but as I said, I wasn't well and I just couldn't help it

"Erm.. Is there a reason as to err- why, you're ignoring Lily" he still couldn't look me in the eye

"Stay out of it Sirius" I snapped in a dangerously low whisper as I turned around to glare a hole through Professor Spook's head

A few seconds later a paper lands right in front of me

I stare at it for a while before my hand reaches out to unfold it and my eyes begin to read it

'James-' it was Lily's handwriting

I immediately regained my position of staring to the front as I let my hands commit murder on the paper

When I made sure that the paper couldn't become any smaller than it already was, I set it on fire

What can I say; I was bored

I wanted to sleep and Binns gave everyone the ideal opportunity, but apparently the sandman didn't want to visit me at the moment

Or for the past week

I glanced around

Sirius and Peter were having a quill fight. Peter seemed to be winning but then again Sirius appeared to be letting him win. He believed that it would help boost his confidence

I risked a glance at Lily, only to see that she was staring forward as if in deep thought. I found myself thinking how beautiful she looked like that before I mentally slapped myself

Hard

Then I forced myself to turn somewhere else

That's when I noticed Remus looking at me with a questioning gaze and turned around with a scowl on my face

How could that man know everything?

I'm telling you; he's too bloody brilliant for his own bloody good

Bloody hell!

I'm bored

There is absolutely nothing to do in this godforsaken class

I pick up a paper and begin writing

Not what's being written on the blackboard

Something that just came to me

I hate you

I hate you so badly it hurts

I hate you so badly that I-

I love you

These two words should never be mixed together

Hell;

These two words shouldn't be in the same sentence

Especially when referred to you.

But ironically

As fate could be with me

These are the only to two words

That fully describes,

What you mean to me

I glanced back at what I wrote and sighed

Yep

That's what I feel about someone who shall remain nameless

See Lily, you're nameless to me now-

Oh, bollocks!

I scramble up the parchment into a smell ball again, but this time I didn't burn it.

I threw it in my bag

Then I went back to staring ahead

Fun

The bell rang, soon after that, and I began stuffing everything into my bag

As I reached Sirius' desk someone stepped in front of me and blocked my way

Someone shorter than me, with red hair that smelled like bubblegum and with green piercing eyes, starring up at me

Lily

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A/N Here you go people. Just a few more chapters and this fic is done! Well I'm not sure, but a third person's point of view will be added within the next two chapters. I hope you enjoyed this fic and hope you will review! This is dedicated to Valentine's Day, which I personally think should be banned. Enjoy! Love ya mwa!


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